I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
