I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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