So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Floor bacon is actually really good
There are leaves in my underwear?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
