Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
