Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
