Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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