Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
