He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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