kristin has been a bad kristin
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
