My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
