happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
