I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
