Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I'm bleeding and have questions
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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