If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
