I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
