I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
