Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
