Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
