Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
