i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
