I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
