Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
