i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
