I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
