I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
