I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
