I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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