better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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