there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
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