I got chris browned last night
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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