did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
