I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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