Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
