Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
