dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
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