I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
