They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
