Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
