hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
But break dance skills will only take you so far
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
