I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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