My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
