pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
We named our party play list daddy issues
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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