That's when you crack a 10am beer
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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