Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
