Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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