someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
