I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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