Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
