best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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