I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Randomize
