If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
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